Thursday, March 12, 2009
Not a Post....a Vent
11:38 pm....I've never been great at sleeping, but Nick @ Nite usually does the trick. Not tonight. Not sure why it worked last night because last night was more frightening...or maybe not. My ramblings will eventually come full circle I swear. This is the mind of a tired, scared, anxiety ridden daughter. I'm blessed to say that I have never been very directly touched by death. I have had people who I love dearly die and I think of them often I really do...but I have not had to directly be involved in true grief. I am thankful for this. I have watched my closest friends suffer through and wonder "how the hell will I ever do this" But I realize I am not off the hook forever. I believe something has prevented this so far because something knows how much I will not handle it well. (please be reminded that I am tired and rambling and if you are reading you are most likely confused at this point) No one is dying. But I am scared. My Dad is the greatest and he is not well. He is not dying! I have not often thought of him as being mortal to be honest. I don't allow myself to do so. I evoke The Secret when the thoughts creep in and think of something positive to offset the negative. Sometimes the negative thoughts just find their way in. Most often at 11:45 at night when Family Matters is on and isn't enough to keep my mind occupied. I find myself staring at Matt. Staring at Kyle. How would I survive. I know, they are terrible, awful mind numbing thoughts but if I don't get them out of my head they eat me alive. I am blessed, I am very truly blessed. I am thankful for all that I have and don't often think of these dreary things. When I give my Dad a kiss and he's sitting in a hospital bed at 60 yrs old hacking up a lung it makes me think. It really makes me think. It makes me rage. It makes me wish I'd gone to medical school. For this one moment in time had I gone to medical school. Is the Internet serious? Why do we have access to all this information and thank goodness we have access to all this information. Helpless, it's a shitty feeling. I make no sense, I realize. I have many things to be happy and thankful for, I know. Things could most certainly be worse....but it makes ya think.